Treatment progressing as expected – I hate chemo

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It’s been a little while since I’ve added to the blog.  A lot has happened, family-wise so it’s just been a matter of gradually creeping up to the next chemo treatment.   I had my follow-up appointment with the surgeon and he’s really pleased with the way I’m healing although I have to have some treatment for cording (tissue that forms a tight band where the lymph nodes were – not unusual but have to get on top of it).  I don’t see him again until September.  Other good news is that I’ve finally managed to get into a rehabilitation program for oncology so that I can get the exercise, diet, etc right although that doesn’t start until after the fourth treatment – better late than never, I guess.

Then we had a lovely meal seeing family off on Wednesday night.

Chemo was on Thursday and  I was able to tolerate the second treatment fairly well all thing considered but one of the noticeable things (for me) was that I was getting a distinct bald patch across the top of my head that no amount of combover was going to hide.  As I mentioned in the last entry, given that using the cold caps to try to prevent this means 4 hours of absolute torture, I decided that if it wasn’t going to work properly, then there was no point.  So, the third treatment went very quickly – still terrified of having the chemicals although it went fine.  Sheryl generously met Elena at the hospital and took her to the swimming championships, and my treatment was over so quickly that we got there to see her swim!

Friday night, Dave gave in and gave me a Number 2.  Of course, the temperature has dropped so I’m feeling the cold but it really is better looking in the mirror and seeing short hair with gaps rather than, to me, massive bald spots in amongst the hair.  Time to try some scarves, beanies and wigs!

The next few days is always just about getting back to normal but I think I got too cocky this time.  I did way too much running around on Day 4 when I should have been resting, then I went for a swim (heaven) after school dropoff on Day 5.  A lesson to me for next time.

I was trawling through the breast cancer network online discussions as I do at 4am and came to wondering what in this is hard and what is easier for each of us to deal with.  I wasn’t even sure whether it should come under Tests and Treatments or Health and Wellbeing.  I’ve thought a lot about how it affects those closest to me but perhaps not enough about how I feel (or maybe I have and I’m clamouring for another dose of ME! ME!)

I hate that I was travelling along quite well with no symptoms, just getting on with my overly stressful life.  Next thing – wham! bam! I’m sick! I’m a patient! I can no longer quite do things for myself and have to be careful.  Surgery done – yep, I can cope with that and getting myself back to normal – not sure how other’s look at my new shape but I can deal with it.  It’s only a bloody breast and not much use to me anymore.  Exercise and treat myself properly and it’ll be manageable.  Hair – don’t care – it’ll grow and I’ve had it really short in the past anyway.  Chemo, however, I do not like.  It saps at my very being and stops me being able to be me.  Life bow’s down to chemo.   And I know that so far chemo has taken it very softly, softly with me.  On the horizon, I have the unknown joys of radiation and hormone therapy.  What wonders will they display for me?

It’s funny…with bits hacked off and seriously vicious chemicals coursing through my body, I do not feel less of a woman.  Sometimes, I feel sidelined, which I hate more.  And it’s no-one’s fault because the treatment does that with the fogginess, the nausea, the exhaustion, and the egocentric nature of the beast.

That’s my philosophical rant this morning.  I will offer it as a black pearl for others to take and wonder over or leave as it perhaps should be, mouldering in the sand.

The world outside keeps moving
Who is this person
Wearing my skin but not me?