Loose Ends

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I’ve been putting off writing this entry because I’m a little at sea after the last couple of weeks and I’m not really sure where my thoughts are.

With active treatment over, it has been time to try to recover as much as possible and get ready to re-enter the world as I used to know it.  There have also been review appointments to deal with which have been a mixed bag.

I saw the surgeon a couple of weeks ago for my 6 month review post-surgery.  He’s very happy with how things have gone and seems to be under the (mis?)apprehension that I have coped really well with the treatment.  I would hate to be someone who didn’t cope!  However, I think that is part of his manner – he does make you feel like he’s completely focused on you and your treatment.  So, he answered all of my questions.  This time, when I mentioned anxiety about the other breast, he didn’t dismiss it but said that he understood and that if it became too much, I could consider taking it off at the same time if I was going in for reconstruction (that’s because they can only do the tummy fat surgery once).  Then he dropped a bombshell.  I was quite happily going along thinking that the reason my cancer got so advanced was that it had been sneakily growing as lobular carcinoma does, but very slowly as the biopsy marker showed a Ki67 result of less than 10% (double-dutch, but means slow).  My surgeon pointed out on my path report the word “pleomorphic”.  That means that the cancer was extremely fast-spreading – from zero to 4.5mm and into 3 nodes, it may have only taken 12 months, perhaps as long as 2 years at the absolute outside.  I honestly don’t know whether that was mentioned at the beginning as there was so much to take in then.  I felt, and still feel, as if the rug has been ripped out from under me.  I am reeling from this and my anxiety level has definitely gone up a good few notches.

We also discussed (as mentioned above) the possibility of reconstruction.  It would be a lot less expensive than I thought and I do trust him to ensure that it would be done well, although I know that it’s never perfect.  Now that the warmer weather is upon us and the summer clothes are in the shops, I have held back the tears on a number of occasions when I’ve realised how restricted I am now in what I can wear.  And that I’m going to be sweltering under a lump of silicon to look “normal”…  I wonder what Taryn Brumfitt and her “Embrace” movement would make of that?  Then I think of what the impact of major surgery would be on my poor body that has been through so much this year.  Of course, it’s not all about clothes and I do have a split personality thing about the body image.  But I feel like I’m in a no-win situation, here.

I have also had to make my appointment at the end of November for my first mammogram since the fateful one.  It’ll be the 3D variety this time.  I have to say that I’m trying to block out too much thinking about that.  I suspect that come the time, I will be a quivering mess and no doubt, there will be tears.

On a positive note, I seem to be adjusting to the hormone therapy relatively well.  Some minor side effects (I think they’re related to it) but not the crippling issues that some women have.  And the burns from the radiation have almost gone.  I have to be extra careful in the sun for a while – probably to some extent, forever.  I had my review with the radiation oncologist on Tuesday and he was very happy with my recovery.  Apparently, I can look forward to shooting pains as the nerves try to regenerate.

I finally got the port out recently, too.  As it was to be done under local, I drove myself down to the hospital for a 7am checkin.  I looked to the right while the surgeon did a lot of pulling and tugging and we chatted about the vinyl I was selling and which bands we liked when we were young.  It was all over by 9am and I was on my way home about 30 minutes later.  It was quite sore for a few days and I have to admit to being a bit anxious about walking around with a healing hole in the major vein next to my heart, but I’ve survived so far.

I’ve been a bit more sociable recently, too.  A couple of weekends ago, I was the proverbial butterfly!  A local breast cancer fundraiser on the Friday night (where I met James’ Maths teacher – it’s Adelaide – go figure).  On the Saturday night I was able to treat my lovely friend Katy to the movies (using the gift voucher that work gave me) as a very small thank you for her very big support this year.  We went to see “Ladies in Black” which was truly delightful.  It’s the only word for it.  I kept finding myself smiling throughout.  And on the Sunday, I met the “girls” (we’ve known each other for nearly 40 years so girls is a bit of a stretch) for our long overdue Christmas in July which we renamed Spring Fling for the occasion!  A lovely weekend but oh so exhausting.

I’ve also touched base with people at work to try to prepare myself (and them) for my return next term.  I’m looking forward to it but I know that it’s going to be a big shock to the system.

Today I’m off to the Annual St Andrew’s Hospital Breast Cancer Luncheon (ooooh – sounds posh?) at Prince Alfred College.  No idea what it’s about but I suspect they’ll be wanting money from me at some stage in the proceedings.  Or am I being cynical?

One thing that I am enjoying is the school holidays.  For the first time since the diagnosis, I am able to actually feel like I can be part of them, too.

Of course, this is October so I should remind everyone that it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  There is a recent campaign going on to remind women that, although Breastscreen pushes the screening at 50, you are actually entitled to a free breast screen from 40.  So book in, lovely ladies, if you’re not already doing it.

This brings to mind the new campaign with Serena Williams and the reprise of the “I Touch Myself” song for the ad.  Really?  I have to ask, “why”?  When the group of Aussie women singers did it, it was as a practical tribute to Chrissie.  I have to say that I don’t think this new campaign is particularly well thought out – just lazy.  And do we need another big money reminder of the value of feeling for lumps?  Not to say that it should be forgotten but I do believe it’s time to focus on other aspects of self-examination.  Too many women don’t realise that a lot of breast cancer does not show as lumps.  Skin dimpling, inverted nipple, redness, persistent itch, pain, a slight thickening under the skin (apparently, I had that but I couldn’t feel it and the doctor at Breastscreen wasn’t positive she could, either) – these are all common symptoms without there being a palpable lump.  Surely, it’s time to move on with different advertising – women are dying out there because they never found a lump and didn’t recognise the other symptoms.

Please, please, please, go and book your screening mammogram if you haven’t had one!  And now I will climb down from my soapbox.

All in all, very mixed emotions this time.