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The beginning of February is always a strange time for me. Today, James turned 16 and I honestly can’t believe that it has been 16 years since I first held him, and David’s birthday is on Monday (chemo day – sorry, Dave). On the other hand, yesterday was the 18th anniversary since Mum died and, as always, I miss her so much. Next Saturday will mark 19 years since my sister, Lori died from metastatic breast cancer and I can’t believe she has been gone so long. So, this time of the year brings mixed feelings and I never know whether I’m happy or sad.
This week, I haven’t been feeling the best physically, either. It seems to be a struggle to recover from having the port inserted considering it wasn’t major surgery (although it does enter a major vein next to the heart!). I suspect it’s just cumulative – my body is probably saying, “enough, already”.
And chemotherapy is looming on the horizon and getting closer all the time. When it was a couple of weeks away, I could treat it with some detachment. Now, I’m seriously scared about how it is going to affect me. So many side effects from having poison pumped into your veins. I know it is a choice, but it is also a choice I don’t really have as I don’t want to find out in 5 years that the cancer has returned and the chemo could have prevented it. I’m really hoping that I’m one of the few people who tolerate it well. More realistically, I’m probably going to fall somewhere in the middle ground, which will be absolutely awful. I know that hundreds of thousands of women have done it before me, so I guess I will get through it but it doesn’t make it any less frightening. Worse would be to be one of those who don’t tolerate it at all. I am dreading it.
Right now I am trying to prepare for next week (and the weeks to come). I have been making meals and freezing them – something I haven’t done since I was 8 months pregnant. I have also been stocking up on anything that I’m likely to need. It’s not so easy when you don’t live in the suburbs to get that thing you need from the chemist.
The next time I post to this blog, I will know how the chemo is going to treat me. I may even know if I need to have radiation afterwards as my appointment with the radiation oncologist is on Tuesday… if I can make it.
Hi Gaye
Seems to me you are tolerating things extremely well considering what you have been through. A girl here at work had quite a few chemo treatments and she put on the cold cap??? and this prevented her from losing any hair. She even kept coming into work and, happily, is now cancer free. I pray that you will have the same result.
Stay strong and know that I am thinking of you. Once you know how you react to the chemo treatments, maybe we can have a get together and catch up with you before Robin leaves for Queensland. I would love to see you
Thanks, Ann. Turns out that the cold caps are easy – it’s the rest that’s not!