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It occurred to me on this frosty morning, musing about it being the first day of Winter, that it also marks 6 months since I stepped onto this rollercoaster. Exactly 6 months ago, I was rushing around at work, feeling slightly ill with apprehension, trying to get things done so that I could leave early for the recall appointment at Breastscreen. Little did I know… Did I have some inkling? Maybe. I know that I tried to tidy up any loose ends in the hectic time before the school holidays, making sure that orders were put through, etc.
I remember trying to be positive and not always succeeding, and feeling terribly frightened at the appointment as I was pushed and prodded and had chunks taken out of me.
In some ways, I can’t believe that it has been 6 months but in other ways it feels as if life has always been like this. A lurch from one treatment to the next with little to look forward to but more treatment.
I started off with bewilderment and fear – swinging from numbness to disbelief to tears, always to a background of white noise in my brain. Surgery, while scary, was okay – it felt manageable and it was a relief to get the cancer cut out. I felt fairly strong emotionally, and relatively positive after that. Chemotherapy, however, has gradually worn me down and I’m only halfway through it. I do struggle to maintain any positivity, and I feel as if there is a constant shadow over me. I wonder who I am going to be when this treatment is over and, is it going to be successful? The doctors seem to think so but I’m not altogether sure that I believe them. Would I feel better or worse if I knew more about my sister, Lori’s cancer? I look around me and hear people talking about 10, 20, etc years in the future and wonder whether I will be part of that. And it does scare me. I know there’s no life guarantees for anyone, but breast cancer is concrete not abstract. I know there are people in a far worse position than I am but I still feel rage and despair about this. Why me? (Someone has to be the 1 in 8, of course, so why not me.)
I realise that my blog is tending towards doom and gloom these days and I think sometimes that I should lighten up and not bring anyone reading it down. But then, this is real and, while my aim is still to update anyone interested, it’s also a record of my experience.
So, 9 out of 16 chemo treatments down and hopefully, 7 weeks to go (fingers crossed that I can make it to the end). And maybe some answers about genetics in the meantime. Then, it’ll be on to radiation for 3 weeks and I’m hoping that doesn’t make me feel so awful.
Just so over it!